What they don’t know…

Hi.

People message me all the time with the sweetest messages about my positive posts on Insta and Facebook. And it truly warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I love love love that my posts bring positivity and light to others lives. Hearing THAT brings positivity and light to my life. But there’s a lot people don’t know.

What they don’t know is I’ve been meaning to write for a while, I’ve just been totally and completely uninspired.

What they don’t know is that’s actually putting it mildly. What they don’t know is that I’ve been totally down and out lately. What they don’t know is my depression has definitely gotten the best of me these last few weeks.

And before you ask, no, nothing tragic has happened, unless you want to count the end of summer as tragic. I’m just depressed. This always happens this time of year—one of the fun parts of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Yes, it’s a real thing. It’s not just something people make up around winter time.

But I don’t even think my SAD has even really kicked in yet. I think I’m just having a rough time.

Things are good at home. Things are good at work. My family is healthy. My pups are happy. I’m just…not.

And there’s nothing anyone can do, so I’m not posting this for attention. I just have seen a lot of prayer and positive vibes requests across my timeline lately and I want to reach out to each and every one of them and let them know that if they’re struggling, they are not alone.

However many months into this bullsh*t, it’s okay for us to have rough weeks. It’s not assumed it’s going to get easier just because it’s our new “normal”. Whatever the eff that means.

So, if you’re like me and you were finally doing well only to have it all fall apart again, it’s okay. You are not alone. I’m rebuilding right beside you.

What they don’t know is I love you. You matter. You are more than enough.

Love,

Me 🖤

1-800-273-8255

You matter. You matter. YOU MATTER.

Make the call. Send the text.

It might not seem worth it right now, but trust me, just do it. Reach out. Ask for help.

Hell, message ME.

Don’t let that darkness consume you. You are so damn worthy.

Call- 1-800-273-8255

Love,

Me

Heavy

Hey.

So, I was reading through quotes on Pinterest, per usual, and came across the quote that read, “Yesterday is heavy. Put it down.”

And I had seen this quote before, but for some reason it hit me hard this time when I read it. Not because yesterday (or today for that matter) were heavy, but because all of 2020 has been freaking heavy.

Like damn. It’s been hard for a lot of people. Everyone has had their own struggles. Whether it’s been losing a job, losing a loved one, or just the tragedy that is 2020 this shit has been HEAVY.

The problem is, we can only take things one day at a time. And although each day we can “put down yesterday”, it’s hard to “put down” a whole year…

We’re carrying around the responsibility of wearing masks when doing our shopping. We’re carrying around the fear of the virus. We’re carrying around the guilt of privilege. We’re carrying around fear o cops. We’re carrying around the fear of the Civil War Part 2. We’re carrying a lot of shit that most of us have not had to deal with, or at least deal with at this magnitude.

Now, I’m not saying that these burdens aren’t ours to carry. All I’m saying is I feel you. I hear you. I see you. You’re not alone in carrying this load. In times like this, we need to come together like a bunch of garden ants to carry this heavy load TOGETHER. Separating ourselves is the last thing we need right now.

Whether that’s coming together virtually, or even physically, I think the ability to not feel alone is more important than socially distancing (unpopular opinion, I’m sure) right now. We need to lean on each other and know we have each other’s backs.

So, if you made it this far, first, thank you. Second, just a reminder that you are loved. You are worthy. You matter.

Love,

Me

Stuck in the Middle

Hi.

Lately I’ve been feeling seriously stuck. Stuck in how I’m feeling about the world. Stuck in how people say we should be acting, reacting, thinking, advocating, fighting, rioting, etc.

I’m stuck in the middle. Stuck between feeling passionate and feeling muted. I have really strong feelings about shit that’s going on these days, but with everything going on, I don’t feel like I have the right to share it. But because I’m not sharing it, it comes off like I don’t care. But I do care. I care a lot about all the shit that’s likely to start a Civil War Pt. 2. But I want to keep those feelings to myself because I don’t feel like arguing. I don’t feel like being beaten down by people with opposite opinions. Everyone has an opinion, and I care about everyone’s opinion, but I don’t want to be suffocated with it—which is all that happens when you share your opinion on social media.

You’re like a metaphorical punching bag getting the shit beat out of you, while also throwing yourself in front of punches aimed at your friends and family who are also trying to respectfully share their opinions as well. Frankly, I’m over it. And I have been for a while. I don’t remember the last time I shared anything political on my pages, and I don’t plan on sharing anything political for a long time to come.

It’s not worth the bullying. It’s not worth the pain. It’s not worth the tears. It’s not worth the anxiety attacks. And it’s not worth the BULL SHIT people put you through when you try to express your opinion.

Because in reality, everyone has an opinion, but no one wants to hear it—they just want to brainwash you with their opinion that they deem factual.

So, here I am. Stuck in the middle. With lots of passions and nowhere to express them.

So, if you feel stuck in the middle, I hear you. I see you. I feel you. Your opinion matters. You matter.

Love,

Me ♥️

To me, 9 years ago…

Hi.

So, earlier today I saw on Facebook someone I am friends with posted a status that read, “What would you tell your 18 year old self?”

And that stopped me in my tracks. I’m not quite sure why it hit me the way it did, but it did.

It really got me thinking, “What would I tell 18 year old me?”—Who at this time would be working her butt off getting ready for her first year of collegiate lacrosse, had recently been broken up with by her high school boyfriend, and who was leaving behind the state and everyone inside of it that she has known her whole entire life. What would I tell this sad, yet excited, yet terrified girl to remember as she climbed the mountain of the next few months?

First semester of freshman year of college would turn out to be one of the most challenging of my whole life so far (but that’s a story for another day…) So, hindsight being 20/20, what would I say to this young, naïve girl? After some thought, here’s what I would tell her…

1. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑨𝑹𝑬 𝑾𝑶𝑹𝑻𝑯𝒀.

2. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑨𝑹𝑬 𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬𝑫.

3. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑾𝑰𝑳𝑳 𝑩𝑬 𝑯𝑨𝑷𝑷𝒀.

4. 𝑰𝑻 𝑾𝑰𝑳𝑳 𝑮𝑬𝑻 𝑩𝑬𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹.

5. 𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑷𝑶𝑷𝑼𝑳𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑻𝒀 𝑫𝑶𝑬𝑺 𝑵𝑶𝑻 𝑫𝑬𝑭𝑰𝑵𝑬 𝒀𝑶𝑼.

I don’t say any of these things to change my path. I met one of my best friends that first semester. I learned a lot about trust, doing what I want FOR ME, standing up for myself, and not taking any shit from anyone. I don’t regret a thing, and wouldn’t change that semester for the world, but these were things I wish I could have reminded this young girl.

What would you tell your 18 year old self if you could? Not to change your future, just as a guardian angel to give some guidance?

Love,

Me ✌🏼

Supesss positive.

Hi.

Earlier this evening I had someone ask me how I stay positive all the time.

I told her years and years of practice in turning the negative thoughts positive. Training my brain. And that’s not completely false. But it’s also not completely true.

The truth is I’m not positive all the time. Matter of fact, I’m positive like 30% of the time. And that 30% turns up on social media.

The other 70% is mainly in my head and it’s some heavy shit.

Having depression SUCKS. I know I’ve said this sooooo many times. But it’s the truth. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy.

This is going to be a long one, so I hope you’re ready…Here goes nothing. My “positivity” started with middle school bullying.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Everyone was bullied. I’m just not strong enough to hold up to the “poking fun”. Or, it’s middle school—why do I still care? Think what you want, but this was so much more than “poking fun” and it’s not something an impressionable 12 year old just gets over.

I’m crying as I’m writing this because it wasn’t until so many people asked me about my positivity that it really made me think where it came from.

Back in middle school—7th grade to be exact—I had one of the worst years of my life. Sounds dramatic, and maybe I’m being over dramatic, but it’s my trauma—I’m allowed to feel that way. ANYWHO, I had these “friends” in middle school. They were all a lot smarter than me and didn’t have to study nearly as hard to get A’s (or sometimes B’s). These “friends” partnered with my perfectionism and anxiety weren’t a great match. Hindsight is always 2020, right?

I remember it like it was yesterday. We had a huuuuuuge biology exam coming up and I was seriously stressing. It was known to be “the hardest test in all of middle school”. Looking back, it really wasn’t that bad, but for someone with test anxiety and normal anxiety and perfectionist tendencies, it was a big deal.

I shared with my “friends” how stressed I was, asked for study tips, and if we wanted to study together since we all were in the same class. They blew me off and I figured it was just because they were stressing too.

A few days later, we got our grades back on that exam (I got a C by the way—my first C on an exam) and I was crushed. I swore this was going to be my grace for the whole quarter and there would be no going to high school in GT/AP classes with this kind of grade. Regardless of the dramatics, I was crushed and I shared with my “friends” how upset I was.

The next day I found a note in my locker. And although I don’t still have that note, it went something like this…

“Alyssa. Shut the f*ck up. No one cares about you or your stupid grade. It was just a test and you’re being a b*tch about it. Stop being a slut. No one likes to listen to you. Just grow the f*ck up. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, SO SHUT UP.”

There were a lot of other profanities, accusations, and honestly pure shit in this letter, but I figured you got the gist.

Did I mention I was in 7th grade? I had never even held hands with a boy, and I only said cuss words when I was jamming out to Avril Lavigne in my bedroom alone. And even then, I whispered them because I didn’t want to get in trouble.

It was after getting this letter that everything seemed to change for me. I started listening to “emo” music. Started wearing all black, and later that year started self harming through restricting my food/skipping meals. Then a few years later, I started cutting. (In case you haven’t read my previous posts, I haven’t self-harmed for the last 7 years.)

This is when I first remember feeling like other people saw in me the worthlessness that I saw in myself. And that realization destroyed me like a hurricane. It was this time I always came back to when I wanted to complain or bitch or just let off some steam. I kept remembering how “no one cares”. And how I should just “shut the f*ck up”.

Now, my conscious mind knows that I’m not worthless and that I’m not alone, but a million words later, THAT is why I’m so positive on socials. I don’t know how else to be. I spent most of my teenage—adult life being positive because I knew that no one wanted to hear my complaints and eventually the positivity stuck. Eventually I found that being a positive light for others helped me feel better about myself and I the positive mark I was leaving on the world.

So, in conclusion—a million years later—I’m positive for YOU. Because I want you to know you are loved, you matter, you are worthy, and I CARE.

Love,

Me 🖤

Really not sure…

Hi.

I’m really not sure what I’m going to write about.

I’ve been feeling drawn to write for weeks, but just don’t know what to say because I don’t want your time to go to waste. But I think that my lack of what to say something that needs to be heard (read).

I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. I don’t know how to feel with all the bull shit going on in the world. I don’t know to feel with all the depressing shit surrounding me. I don’t know how to feel about where I am in life. I don’t know how to feel about where our country is going. I don’t know where I am going next. I don’t know who is beside me now. And I don’t know who will be there beside me moving forward. I legit don’t know ANYTHING. And it SUCKS feeling this way.

It’s like feeling lost and alone and scared and mad and sad and confused ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

And I’m not saying all this to get messages saying, “You’re not alone.” And I’m DEFINITELY not saying all this to get messages about politics and other bull shit. I’m saying this because I can’t imagine I’m the only one out here feeling like this.

I’m close to tears (if not in tears) every single day. I’m so overwhelmed. I try to delete all the Toxic Tiffany’s off my timeline, but it’s hard. I know it’s all about having the right mindset and practicing gratitude. But when I can’t get out of bed in enough time to shower every morning, much less do affirmations and gratitude, I struggle. I know I need to get up earlier. I know I need to work out. I know I need to eat healthier. I GET IT, KAREN. But if you don’t have depression in the way I do, you don’t freaking get it. You’ll never get it. And truthfully, I hope you never do. I hope you never have to feel the pain and anguish I feel every freaking day. I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone.

All this to say, you’re not alone babe. This rant probably didn’t accomplish anything for anyone other than letting me release my anxieties, but I do hope that someone, somewhere, reads this and feels a little bit of comfort that they’re not alone on this shitty ride called 2020 that we’re stuck on.

Take care of yourselves.

XX,

Me

Why

Hiiiii.

Almost everyone has a “why”. People’s “why”s can range from family, to money, to success, to faith, and everything in between. In my humble opinion, NO ONE can tell you that you have a bad “why”. IT’S NOT YOUR WHY, SO YOU HONESTLY DON’T GET AN OPINION.

Sorry (not really sorry) for the caps lock, but it’s true. What drives me to act is different from what drives you to act, and that’s OKAY. We’re all different for a reason. If we were all driven by the same thing, I’m pretty sure the whole world would combust. We need to have different dreams, goals, and driving factors. It’s what keeps our society going.

Regardless of your “why”, and regardless of how close you feel to your “why” right this minute, I encourage you to zoom out, take a look around, and see if what you’re doing and how you’re acting is contributing to your “why” or detracting from it.

If you’re feeling down, unsuccessful, lacking motivation, or whatever, you’re probably too far away from your “why”. Whether it’s intentional or not, you’re not doing things with your “why” in mind. Meaning, there could be a subconscious selfish drive behind your actions. THIS is when things start to fall apart.

When you re-calibrate your mind to make your “why” your main focus, you’ll be surprised what you suddenly begin to accomplish. You might have even already accomplished these things, but your clouded mind didn’t allow you to grasp that you actually DID accomplish something. That you actually DID do the right thing. That you actually DID achieve success.

We focus SO MUCH on all of our failures, our flaws, our mistakes, our screw ups, and everywhere that we fell short. And those small little things CONSUME our mind to make us us blur out all of the good.

For example, today was testing day for my “students” at work. There were 5 people who didn’t pass their exam. Now, at my job, you need to pass this exam in order to retain employment. Therefore, 5 people lost their jobs today. It is my job to teach them, aid them, and help them achieve success on this exam. I was and am so upset every time that I can’t get a student across the finish line. I am fully aware that although I can help, I can’t take the test for them. That I can only give them the vehicle and they’re the ones that need to drive it. Regardless, my guilt sets in, and I dwell on the ones I couldn’t get to pass. Now, I don’t say this to brag, but I think it helps put things in perspective for your own situation. Despite all the “thank you”s, the “I couldn’t have done this without you”s, etc, I’m still so intensely focused on the ones who didn’t pass. That was, until I was on my way home listening to Rachel Hollis’ podcast, “Rise”. First, it’s INCREDIBLE. Second, it really brought to light all of the things I was feeling about my failures that day. I had 5 failures. But I had 29 passes, including two students who I worked two on one with in order to give them more individualized workshops. I should be PROUD of that. I should CELEBRATE that. Not that I am the one who did all the work because I absolutely didn’t, but I should celebrate our collaboration and successes as a team.

So, moral of the long-winded story is: Stop. Zoom out. Look around. Re-calibrate. Reset your focus on your why. And then GO FOR IT.

However you define success, it’s right around the corner from you. Don’t give up.

Love,

Me ❤

The Waiting Room

We’ve all been there. We’ve all been in the waiting room tapping our leg, obsessively checking our phone, huffing and puffing because being in the waiting room is a waste of time. There are seasons where we are just sitting in the waiting room of life. 

And we often think that these waiting rooms are useless, demeaning, wasteful times in our lives, when really, its the exact opposite. Those are the times in which we are building ourselves. Whoever or whatever you believe in (if anything), that thing is building you. For me, it’s God. God is building me. He is building my trust. He is building my strength. He is building my faith. He is building my graciousness. He is building ME to be the ME that He says I am.

Sometimes that waiting room is dark and lonely. It’s a really scary place sometimes. It causes really scary thoughts sometimes. And that’s okay. Waiting rooms are just that. They’re just for waiting. They’re temporary. It’s not forever (thank God for that). Sometimes that dark, lonely, scary waiting room is really a storm shelter providing us safety from the outside world because things are tumultuous out there. Maybe He isn’t building me in that moment, maybe He is busy building up everything around me, so that my environment will be ready for me when I finally arrive. 

We will never ever know how long we will be in that waiting room. We will never ever know why we are there. We will never know how to get out. 

And in reality, we SHOULDN’T be looking to get out. It’s not our time. When our time comes, we will see all of the puzzle pieces finally put together. Hindsight is always 20/20 right?

Love,

Me ❤

Forever Grateful

Hiiiii.

 

I hope you all had a beautiful Thanksgiving (if you celebrate). This time of year is so so tough for so many people, and for a full spectrum of reasons. I used to HATE this time of year because prior to meeting my husband, I always found myself alone during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I no longer feel the discontent around this time of year that I used to, but I know that there are still so many people who do.

 

I should not, could not, would not judge those people because I used to be one just like them. Instead of projecting negative feelings onto them, we all need to take a step back and think about what they might be going through. All of their negative thoughts, words, and actions are stemming from something, and I wouldn’t dare take a guess at what that thing might be.

 

This is something we battle ALL the time, but it is often seen as more apparent during the time of year that we’re all supposed to be jolly and bright. But people all around us are CONSTANTLY fighting battles that we know nothing about.

 

It’s taken a lot of courage to write about this, which is why I’ve waited a few weeks to write it.

*Takes a deep breath*

A few weeks ago, someone in my extended family accused me of using my mental health blog and my religion as fuel to drive up my sales in my side hustle.

 

I was heart broken at this accusation. I do not believe I have ever pushed anyone on my blog to check out my business. I have never pushed anyone in my church to try my products. I don’t post about my mental health or my religion to draw any attention to myself to help increase my sales. Unless you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you probably didn’t even know I have a side hustle business.

 

I write about my issues with mental health because I wish I had someone like me to talk to when I was in a really dark place. I write in my blog because it’s therapeutic to me. I go to church because it teaches me skills that no one else has taught me. I go to church because God does unbelievable things and takes my natural human struggles, and does supernatural things to support them. I go to church because I love Him. Neither of these things has ANYTHING to do with my business.

 

I run my business because the products have changed my life. Just as sharing my story on my blog has changed my life. Just how Jesus has changed my life. So, no. I’m not using my diagnosis of MDD and GAD, nor my love of Jesus to boost my business. I do all of these things independently of one another because it is my life, and I am forever grateful for each and every part of it.

 

Love,

Me ❤