What they don’t know…

Hi.

People message me all the time with the sweetest messages about my positive posts on Insta and Facebook. And it truly warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. I love love love that my posts bring positivity and light to others lives. Hearing THAT brings positivity and light to my life. But there’s a lot people don’t know.

What they don’t know is I’ve been meaning to write for a while, I’ve just been totally and completely uninspired.

What they don’t know is that’s actually putting it mildly. What they don’t know is that I’ve been totally down and out lately. What they don’t know is my depression has definitely gotten the best of me these last few weeks.

And before you ask, no, nothing tragic has happened, unless you want to count the end of summer as tragic. I’m just depressed. This always happens this time of year—one of the fun parts of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Yes, it’s a real thing. It’s not just something people make up around winter time.

But I don’t even think my SAD has even really kicked in yet. I think I’m just having a rough time.

Things are good at home. Things are good at work. My family is healthy. My pups are happy. I’m just…not.

And there’s nothing anyone can do, so I’m not posting this for attention. I just have seen a lot of prayer and positive vibes requests across my timeline lately and I want to reach out to each and every one of them and let them know that if they’re struggling, they are not alone.

However many months into this bullsh*t, it’s okay for us to have rough weeks. It’s not assumed it’s going to get easier just because it’s our new “normal”. Whatever the eff that means.

So, if you’re like me and you were finally doing well only to have it all fall apart again, it’s okay. You are not alone. I’m rebuilding right beside you.

What they don’t know is I love you. You matter. You are more than enough.

Love,

Me 🖤

Supesss positive.

Hi.

Earlier this evening I had someone ask me how I stay positive all the time.

I told her years and years of practice in turning the negative thoughts positive. Training my brain. And that’s not completely false. But it’s also not completely true.

The truth is I’m not positive all the time. Matter of fact, I’m positive like 30% of the time. And that 30% turns up on social media.

The other 70% is mainly in my head and it’s some heavy shit.

Having depression SUCKS. I know I’ve said this sooooo many times. But it’s the truth. I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy.

This is going to be a long one, so I hope you’re ready…Here goes nothing. My “positivity” started with middle school bullying.

Yeah, yeah. I know. Everyone was bullied. I’m just not strong enough to hold up to the “poking fun”. Or, it’s middle school—why do I still care? Think what you want, but this was so much more than “poking fun” and it’s not something an impressionable 12 year old just gets over.

I’m crying as I’m writing this because it wasn’t until so many people asked me about my positivity that it really made me think where it came from.

Back in middle school—7th grade to be exact—I had one of the worst years of my life. Sounds dramatic, and maybe I’m being over dramatic, but it’s my trauma—I’m allowed to feel that way. ANYWHO, I had these “friends” in middle school. They were all a lot smarter than me and didn’t have to study nearly as hard to get A’s (or sometimes B’s). These “friends” partnered with my perfectionism and anxiety weren’t a great match. Hindsight is always 2020, right?

I remember it like it was yesterday. We had a huuuuuuge biology exam coming up and I was seriously stressing. It was known to be “the hardest test in all of middle school”. Looking back, it really wasn’t that bad, but for someone with test anxiety and normal anxiety and perfectionist tendencies, it was a big deal.

I shared with my “friends” how stressed I was, asked for study tips, and if we wanted to study together since we all were in the same class. They blew me off and I figured it was just because they were stressing too.

A few days later, we got our grades back on that exam (I got a C by the way—my first C on an exam) and I was crushed. I swore this was going to be my grace for the whole quarter and there would be no going to high school in GT/AP classes with this kind of grade. Regardless of the dramatics, I was crushed and I shared with my “friends” how upset I was.

The next day I found a note in my locker. And although I don’t still have that note, it went something like this…

“Alyssa. Shut the f*ck up. No one cares about you or your stupid grade. It was just a test and you’re being a b*tch about it. Stop being a slut. No one likes to listen to you. Just grow the f*ck up. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU, SO SHUT UP.”

There were a lot of other profanities, accusations, and honestly pure shit in this letter, but I figured you got the gist.

Did I mention I was in 7th grade? I had never even held hands with a boy, and I only said cuss words when I was jamming out to Avril Lavigne in my bedroom alone. And even then, I whispered them because I didn’t want to get in trouble.

It was after getting this letter that everything seemed to change for me. I started listening to “emo” music. Started wearing all black, and later that year started self harming through restricting my food/skipping meals. Then a few years later, I started cutting. (In case you haven’t read my previous posts, I haven’t self-harmed for the last 7 years.)

This is when I first remember feeling like other people saw in me the worthlessness that I saw in myself. And that realization destroyed me like a hurricane. It was this time I always came back to when I wanted to complain or bitch or just let off some steam. I kept remembering how “no one cares”. And how I should just “shut the f*ck up”.

Now, my conscious mind knows that I’m not worthless and that I’m not alone, but a million words later, THAT is why I’m so positive on socials. I don’t know how else to be. I spent most of my teenage—adult life being positive because I knew that no one wanted to hear my complaints and eventually the positivity stuck. Eventually I found that being a positive light for others helped me feel better about myself and I the positive mark I was leaving on the world.

So, in conclusion—a million years later—I’m positive for YOU. Because I want you to know you are loved, you matter, you are worthy, and I CARE.

Love,

Me 🖤

Really not sure…

Hi.

I’m really not sure what I’m going to write about.

I’ve been feeling drawn to write for weeks, but just don’t know what to say because I don’t want your time to go to waste. But I think that my lack of what to say something that needs to be heard (read).

I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. I don’t know how to feel with all the bull shit going on in the world. I don’t know to feel with all the depressing shit surrounding me. I don’t know how to feel about where I am in life. I don’t know how to feel about where our country is going. I don’t know where I am going next. I don’t know who is beside me now. And I don’t know who will be there beside me moving forward. I legit don’t know ANYTHING. And it SUCKS feeling this way.

It’s like feeling lost and alone and scared and mad and sad and confused ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

And I’m not saying all this to get messages saying, “You’re not alone.” And I’m DEFINITELY not saying all this to get messages about politics and other bull shit. I’m saying this because I can’t imagine I’m the only one out here feeling like this.

I’m close to tears (if not in tears) every single day. I’m so overwhelmed. I try to delete all the Toxic Tiffany’s off my timeline, but it’s hard. I know it’s all about having the right mindset and practicing gratitude. But when I can’t get out of bed in enough time to shower every morning, much less do affirmations and gratitude, I struggle. I know I need to get up earlier. I know I need to work out. I know I need to eat healthier. I GET IT, KAREN. But if you don’t have depression in the way I do, you don’t freaking get it. You’ll never get it. And truthfully, I hope you never do. I hope you never have to feel the pain and anguish I feel every freaking day. I wouldn’t wish this shit on anyone.

All this to say, you’re not alone babe. This rant probably didn’t accomplish anything for anyone other than letting me release my anxieties, but I do hope that someone, somewhere, reads this and feels a little bit of comfort that they’re not alone on this shitty ride called 2020 that we’re stuck on.

Take care of yourselves.

XX,

Me

Hello from the outside…

Hi friends.

I haven’t written in literally forever, and I apologize for that. I had been doing so well. Like so well. I was actually happy for what felt like once in my life. But, fall happened. And Adele’s new song happened. And job changes happened. And BIG life changes happened. These are all positive things. I mean who doesn’t like fall? And who doesn’t LOVE Adele’s new song (because I’ve had it on repeat for the entire night)? And who doesn’t like getting a job in your degree field? And lastly, who doesn’t like getting ENGAGED? All of these things have brought me so many blessings and such happiness, but there is still this lingering depression that, as soon as the sunlight began to disappear, came tapping me on the shoulder. My depression was like, “Oh hey there! Miss me? I’m back!”

I’ve had 3 days off this week, and I have one more off tomorrow before back to the work grind. Which is awesome! I mean, 4 days off? What is life? But as much as I have had my friends, family, and my fiance encouraging me to get out and go for a walk, or just sit outside and enjoy the beautiful weather we’ve been having, I had trouble getting out of bed all week this week. I tried to brush it off, “Oh, you worked 50 hours last week, you’re just catching up,” but in reality I was beginning my vicious winter cycle of sleeping every chance I get. It did not hit me until I read this AMAZING article published on TWLOHA’s Facebook page.

https://twloha.com/blog/five-lies-depression-told-me/?utm_content=buffer5bc88&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

I lay in bed, listening to Adele (basic, I know), crying reading this article because it is so f***ing true, I could not hold my emotions back any longer. I had to let my depression in. I had to let it take over.

I have been forced to hide my depression at my new job for reasons that are totally understandable, but it is so hard. I want to help these girls by sharing my story because not only is it healing for me, but it may provide healing for them as well. But all of that is part of something that I cannot control. I’m sorry for the mini side rant.

Regardless, I need to just acknowledge my depression and accept it again. I had some idea in my head that finding my one, getting engaged and planning a wedding would solve my depression (knowing better, all the while). My fiance has been amazing, and takes the best care of me. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am so thankful for him. He is always cognizant of my mental illness and forgives me when I sleep the day away regardless of what he wants to do among a gazillion other things. I love you, baby. Forever and Always.

So, for those of you who take the time to read this, thank you. And let me help you, help me accept my mental illness and work towards living in acceptance. Once I accept myself and my mental illness, maybe others will accept the idea of mental illness too. Who knows?

Love,

Me

P.S. My favorite part of the article on TWLOHA’s page was this…

“I wasn’t a good enough wife.

I wasn’t a good enough friend.

I wasn’t a good enough daughter/granddaughter/niece/co-worker.

The critical things people said to me or about me, the mean things they wrote — those were the truest parts of who I was. The niceties, the compliments, and the solid, unwavering support of those who always had my back were all instances of temporary kindness. I was and could only be an obligation,” (Jensen, 2015)

Not a fan of winter…

Decided to not get up to go to class today. I was just feeling like I wanted to stay in bed… which I did. I wish I could say this was just because it’s winter time, but that would not a lie. It would also be a lie to say that the weather had nothing to do with it.

Not only do I suffer from depression and anxiety, but I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder. What is SAD? Well, for me, it feels much like increased depression when winter rolls around. Many people blow off this disorder as something that’s just in the victims head. Believe what you want, but I know it exists because I suffer from it every fall/winter. In fact, I have a device that is called a sun lamp. It is a UV lamp that I plug in and sit in front of while doing homework, blogging, or even watching television. People always warn against tanning and UV light, but it actually can be good for you in moderation. Unfortunately my lamp won’t make me tan, but it does help with my SAD.

SAD is not necessarily something that I believe needs to be diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist. My personal case, was diagnosed, but if you feel more sad in the winter time, your feelings are true and justified. It happens to many more people than is recorded by surveys. Sun lamps can be expensive and do take time and commitment if you want them to help, so a cheaper, easier alternative could be going tanning once a week or so in order to get that UV rays, or even sitting outside whenever you get the chance. Just bundle up and soak up some rays. The UV light can even get to you when it is slightly overcast, so go for it. The sun shines for free, take advantage of it.

I want to make it clear that I am not endorsing skipping class or work, but somedays your depression and anxiety can get the best of you. It happens to everyone. Don’t stress about taking a day, or even ten minutes to meditate. Taking time to yourself everyday is a must. It’s difficult. Trust me, I understand, but you NEED to make time for yourself. Alone time where you can just be with yourself and your subconscious. Meditation may bring you clarity that you are seeking, or it may even lessen some anxiety you’ve been struggling with. I will do a whole other post about how I meditate someday to see if my methods can maybe help you.

In the meantime, love yourself, because no one will ever love you the way you love yourself. And keep the faith in yourself because I know you can do it.

Love,
Me 🙂