Oof

Hey.

Sooooo, it’s been over a year. How the hell is that possible? I feel like I was writing just the other day.

I’ve felt pulled to write for a while now. And I’ve gotten feedback that I should write again—so here i am. But it took me a while to get here. I had so much to “say”, but also, nothing to say all at the same time.

So fucking much has happened. This is NOT like that best friend you have where no matter how long it’s been, you pick right back up where you left off. It’s just not like that. There’s no correlation. No connection. No semblance of where I was the last time I wrote.

Well, that’s not true. There is. I’m still me. I still have depression. I still have anxiety. And I still suffer DAILY. Even on the good days, there’s signs and symptoms that I don’t ever anticipate not feeling.

The other day, someone asked me if I was still working my MLM business. I said, no, because I’m not. I’m using the products (because I believe in them whole heartedly), but I’m not actively promoting. So then, they asked me if I’m focusing on my yoga business. I said no, I don’t have a yoga business, because I don’t. (Side note—would love to start one, it’s on the mental dream board.) My response to the person was, “No, I’m just working on me.”

I’ve said those words before but never fully believed it. I meant it—they were earnestly written words, but they were more of an aspiration than cold hard truth. But this time? I fucking meant it. I have been working SO HARD on me. My physical body, my mental body, spiritual body, emotional body, literally every level—I’ve been working on. Not because anything within me was really broken, but after multiple losses, I was broken. And I was so tired of living in that mindset. Seeing no way out of that destructive darkness. Hating myself. Hating my body. Hating much of life.

The quote “If nothing changes, nothing changes” comes to mind. I was trying to find a semblance of balance and stability, but to do that, I needed to do something scary. Something that I wasn’t ready for. I needed to get fully off kilter: reset and realign.

And that’s what I did. I got my shit together medically (working with my doctors). I started deep diving into my belief systems. Into my practices (both physically and spiritually). Into finding my limits and pushing past them. Into my community and relying on them instead of myself to process through everything. On that same token, I did a deep dive into me and getting back to center—working through the shadows.

Do I have it all figured out? Hell no. Will I ever have it all figured out? Absolutely not. Am I working to mend the parts of me that we’re broken—not to make them disappear, quite the opposite—filling them with gold as a reminder of how unique my scars have made me? You bet your ass I am.

I truly think we’re all broken in one way or another. I don’t wish it on anyone, but none of us lives the highlight reel life all the time. I just hope that despite all the scars gained, that you know that you are JUST as valuable, if not more. And please don’t forget—even when you feel the opposite, you are so damn loved.

Always here for you. Sending peace, love, and light.

Love,

Me

Naïveté Was Bliss

This has been on my heart lately. Maybe it’s a message for me, or maybe it’s a message for you…

When it feels like you’re most alone, I promise you I am right here with you.

Getting older is freaking tough. Reminiscing high school and college times, I remember being so sad over a break up, or a fight with a friend, or a bad lacrosse practice. And all of those things did feel HUGE in that moment.

As a 28 year old, I chuckle to myself because the ignorance and naïveté was truly bliss.

The world today—whether it’s the fact that I am 28, or maybe it’s just the times of 2021—is a heavy, heavy place to be.

I found that with each year that passes, my circle seems to get smaller and smaller. Which, don’t get me wrong, I know God, Spirit, The Universe, or whatever you may call it, hears conversations we don’t and removes the toxicity before it succumbs us.

But regardless, it doesn’t make it easier. It’s hard not to turn in your yourself and be like, “WTF is wrong with me? Am I getting more and more unloveable?”

I have these feelings, well, daily.

But friend, the answer is NO. You are not unloveable. You are not unworthy. And you are not alone. I’m right there with you.

I think sometimes losing friends is just a part of getting older and 2020-2021 and the difficulties that have come with this last year and a half haven’t helped.

We lose touch with people and unfortunately, it is an part of life. If you are ever feeling alone, reach out. The real ones will jump right back to where you all left off.

If you feel you have no one personally to reach out to, please reach out to the Suicide Hotline—(800) 273-8255. You always have a friend in them, and in me.

Love,

Me

You’re not a bad friend…

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your depression doesn’t make you a bad friend. Your anxiety doesn’t make you a bad friend. Your bipolar doesn’t make you a bad friend. Your OCD doesn’t make you a bad friend. Bottom line—your mental illness does NOT make you a bad friend.

It’s easy to look back and reflect on all the birthday brunches you skipped. All the bonfires you didn’t attend. All the nights at the bar you declined. All the things you skipped out on and feel shitty about yourself.

But you’re not a shitty person and you’re not a shitty friend. You carry a heavy load and sometimes staying sane means saying NO.

I’ve lost plenty of friends over the years because of my depression. Those friends didn’t understand that it’s not that I don’t want to celebrate them—it’s that I put an insane amount of energy into putting on a face during the whole work week to appear “normal”, that faking one more smile on the weekend seems literally impossible.

I’m exhausted, feeling beaten down, and by the way, each day I go ten rounds with the negative voices to keep them at bay.

So, saying “no” to protect your peace doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you human.

Don’t guilt yourself into thinking it’s your fault those friendships/relationships ended. The real ones won’t ever leave.

Love,

Me ♥️

On edge..like…always

Hi.

One of the multiple things people never talk about is how on edge depression and anxiety make you feel. All day for days on end.

Those days, you’re on the edge of tears. On the edge of screaming. On the edge of totally losing your sh*t. Literally all day long.

And I work really hard to control my emotions and not lose my sh*t but it’s really freaking hard.

Legit. I’m watching an episode of NCIS, and I just start crying. It’s an episode I’ve watched dozens of times. And there I am, crying. I’m writing out my gratitude for the day…and I’m crying. I’m petting my pups…and I’m crying.

It’s like all my emotions are a boiling pot of water constantly boiling over. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to simmer the boiling.

Then one day, I’m okay. I’m able to get through an whole episode of NCIS without crying. I get through my gratitude without crying. I’m actually smiling. I finally feel relief. I’m no longer boiling over. But there’s no rhyme or reason why.

I didn’t do anything differently. I didn’t get more sleep. I didn’t eat anything different. Nothing changed, yet everything’s different.

There is NO reason why I’m feeling “better”. I just am.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for these days and I’ve tried everything under the sun to make these times last forever, but to date they haven’t. It’s just exhausting battling your emotions all day everyday for so long and then one day you’re feeling totally “normal”. It’s like total whiplash. You don’t know what to do or how to react.

For me, my best course of action is to patch up the wounds, let them begin to heal, and practice gratitude. Gratitude for the good days. Gratitude for the strength to get through the bad days. Gratitude for each day I am given. Gratitude for it all.

Some days I think that’s all we can do. Just say thank you and keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep fighting. Just keep living.

Trust me, I know how hard it is, but I promise. It’s worth it. Don’t give up. Please. You are so damn worthy. And so damn loved. Even when it feels like it the least.

Sending you love, hugs, strength, and alllllllll the positive vibes.

Keep fighting, love. You are never alone.

Love,

Me