On edge..like…always

Hi.

One of the multiple things people never talk about is how on edge depression and anxiety make you feel. All day for days on end.

Those days, you’re on the edge of tears. On the edge of screaming. On the edge of totally losing your sh*t. Literally all day long.

And I work really hard to control my emotions and not lose my sh*t but it’s really freaking hard.

Legit. I’m watching an episode of NCIS, and I just start crying. It’s an episode I’ve watched dozens of times. And there I am, crying. I’m writing out my gratitude for the day…and I’m crying. I’m petting my pups…and I’m crying.

It’s like all my emotions are a boiling pot of water constantly boiling over. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to simmer the boiling.

Then one day, I’m okay. I’m able to get through an whole episode of NCIS without crying. I get through my gratitude without crying. I’m actually smiling. I finally feel relief. I’m no longer boiling over. But there’s no rhyme or reason why.

I didn’t do anything differently. I didn’t get more sleep. I didn’t eat anything different. Nothing changed, yet everything’s different.

There is NO reason why I’m feeling “better”. I just am.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for these days and I’ve tried everything under the sun to make these times last forever, but to date they haven’t. It’s just exhausting battling your emotions all day everyday for so long and then one day you’re feeling totally “normal”. It’s like total whiplash. You don’t know what to do or how to react.

For me, my best course of action is to patch up the wounds, let them begin to heal, and practice gratitude. Gratitude for the good days. Gratitude for the strength to get through the bad days. Gratitude for each day I am given. Gratitude for it all.

Some days I think that’s all we can do. Just say thank you and keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep fighting. Just keep living.

Trust me, I know how hard it is, but I promise. It’s worth it. Don’t give up. Please. You are so damn worthy. And so damn loved. Even when it feels like it the least.

Sending you love, hugs, strength, and alllllllll the positive vibes.

Keep fighting, love. You are never alone.

Love,

Me

Don’t let idiots ruin your day.

I don’t even know 𝒘𝒉𝒚 I’m writing this.

I’ve been going back and forth with posting this for almost a week now.

I knew I would get flack for writing this, people would talk sh*t, they’d say I was just doing it for attention, whatever. But I had to post this for the one who’s struggling. The one who hates this time of year because of all the food. The one who hates this time of year because of the family confrontations. The one who just doesn’t think they’ll make it through another holiday season.

I’m writing this for 𝒚𝒐𝒖.

Last week I went to the doctor for an annual check up, and the doctor said, “𝑾𝒆𝒍𝒍, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒑𝒉𝒚𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒂𝒍 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒚𝒐𝒖’𝒗𝒆 𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒅 10𝒍𝒃𝒔 𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒗𝒊𝒔𝒊𝒕.”

Talk about a punch to the gut (literally, gut). This year has been so hard for so many reasons. And yes, I’ve gained quite a bit of weight (way more than 10lbs) since March. But let’s call a spade a spade. 2020 has been SHIT for so many reasons.

Maybe you’re not in the same boat as me, but I have struggled with body image and weight since as long as I can remember. Legit, I remember being in elementary school and HATING hitting 50lbs… Now, much heavier than that I’m still struggling with body image and my “ideal” weight.

I was starting to feel better—I’m working out 6-7 days a week, eating healthier and although I wasn’t losing any weight, I was feeling better. And THAT made me happy.

Until, my doctor reminded me of that number on the scale. And frankly, it knocked me down. I cried that night before bed. And I got up and worked out harder the next morning.

And then I reached out to some friends and they brought me back to center. 𝑺𝒊𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒔, 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔.

They helped remind me that there are SO MANY worse things that could have happened than gaining 10lbs. This year has been hard on most people. We’re living a new way of life. We’re learning a new normal. And if 10lbs is a part of surviving 2020, 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒔.

So, in case you’re in the same spot I was last week, 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓. Regardless of the number on the scale, the size of your leggings, the love handles over those jeans. 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑭𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑲𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑻𝑬𝑹. And you always will.

Don’t let idiots ruin your day, especially your Turkey Day. Love you. Exactly as you are.

Love,

Me

Forever Grateful

Hiiiii.

 

I hope you all had a beautiful Thanksgiving (if you celebrate). This time of year is so so tough for so many people, and for a full spectrum of reasons. I used to HATE this time of year because prior to meeting my husband, I always found myself alone during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I no longer feel the discontent around this time of year that I used to, but I know that there are still so many people who do.

 

I should not, could not, would not judge those people because I used to be one just like them. Instead of projecting negative feelings onto them, we all need to take a step back and think about what they might be going through. All of their negative thoughts, words, and actions are stemming from something, and I wouldn’t dare take a guess at what that thing might be.

 

This is something we battle ALL the time, but it is often seen as more apparent during the time of year that we’re all supposed to be jolly and bright. But people all around us are CONSTANTLY fighting battles that we know nothing about.

 

It’s taken a lot of courage to write about this, which is why I’ve waited a few weeks to write it.

*Takes a deep breath*

A few weeks ago, someone in my extended family accused me of using my mental health blog and my religion as fuel to drive up my sales in my side hustle.

 

I was heart broken at this accusation. I do not believe I have ever pushed anyone on my blog to check out my business. I have never pushed anyone in my church to try my products. I don’t post about my mental health or my religion to draw any attention to myself to help increase my sales. Unless you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you probably didn’t even know I have a side hustle business.

 

I write about my issues with mental health because I wish I had someone like me to talk to when I was in a really dark place. I write in my blog because it’s therapeutic to me. I go to church because it teaches me skills that no one else has taught me. I go to church because God does unbelievable things and takes my natural human struggles, and does supernatural things to support them. I go to church because I love Him. Neither of these things has ANYTHING to do with my business.

 

I run my business because the products have changed my life. Just as sharing my story on my blog has changed my life. Just how Jesus has changed my life. So, no. I’m not using my diagnosis of MDD and GAD, nor my love of Jesus to boost my business. I do all of these things independently of one another because it is my life, and I am forever grateful for each and every part of it.

 

Love,

Me ❤

Game Face

Hiiii.

 

Ever wonder what would happen if you weren’t around? If you weren’t there to fix things? Or in some cases screw them all up? It’s the screw up moments that make me think about this the most.

 

No, let’s get this straight. I have no bad intentions, and all I mean from this is sometimes I think I could be of better assistance to the world if I had just stayed in my bed. Yeah, maybe a few things wouldn’t have gotten done that should have gotten done. But on the flip side, there is a lot that wouldn’t have gotten so royally messed up either.

 

I have to do a semi-annual performance review at work, with this upcoming one being my third in my current department and all I ever have to say is that I need to improve on my efficiencies and the amount of mistakes I make. I feel like not a day goes by at my job that I’m not apologizing for messing something up. And that’s not just because I’m an obsessive apologizer. Yes, I did just make up that word. You’re welcome to all my obsessive apologizers out there. I know that I hold myself to unusually high standards, but if I didn’t who would I be? How would I have gotten myself to the position I’m not at in life?

 

I truly do believe that I am who I am for a reason. That’s all there is to it. And like it or not, I’m not going to change for anyone or anything.

 

So, on all of my bad days, weeks, months, and years, my only option is to get up, put on my game face, and go. You gonna come with me?

 

Love,

Me ❤

Thank you.

“Parenting is a thankless job.”

My mom was completely right when she said that to me last night. And I feel awful for not thanking my parents more. I recently have been feeling like a parent to multiple people, and normally I do not mind being the parent. I often willingly take people under my wings in order to help them out and be a mentor in the way many people took me under their wings when I was younger. I feel it is the least I can do; pass on the help and support that I received, to others.

Despite my love for helping people and wanting to support them in the best way I can, lately it has been wearing on me. I am truly realizing that parenting, and helping others is truly a thankless job. With this being said, I am still extremely passionate about becoming a school psychologist and being able to help others in my profession because I am determined to keep my work in a professional setting; not to affect my personal life.

I feel as if it is just tough when you are being pulled in so many directions, and doing so many things, and you seem to get nothing, but be shit on. I try to help someone, I get pushed away because “I don’t know what they’re going through”. I try to just be a listener, but I get pushed away because I am not helping them or advising them. I try to do the best schoolwork that I can, but I get pushed down for not doing well enough. I do something for me, I get pushed down for being selfish. It’s like recently I cannot win. A huge part of my life is crumbling at my feet and there is nothing I can do to build it back up, or make it better. I am being criticized and called a bully for un-following people on social media. I am being bullied by people who I am supposed to be “close” do, and “do anything” for. I’m supposed to be the adult, and make adult decisions when all of the people around me are acting like children. I am so lost and confused. I am not sure what my next steps should be, so I have resorted to taking life one second at a time. One breath at a time.

Not to mention, the withdrawal symptoms from Cymbalta are killer. I never thought I would feel this awful.

I have taken enough psychology courses to know how powerful the brain is, yet I did not expect this craziness. My brain has been trying to convince me that I “need” to be on my anti-depressants because my body is so unhappy. Luckily, (because I have taken all of those psych courses) I know that this is just the brain feeling like it is needing the serotonin, when in reality, I just have to get all of the Cymbalta out of my system, and then my brain will adjust. Tricky, tricky brain! I’m not falling for your antics!

Do not get me wrong, I am not afraid to get back on them if after a few months I feel I need them, but I am going to try my hardest to get through these few months. I have a game plan and am working with my therapist to prepare for every outcome. Not only is my therapist helping me, but my parents have been super supportive, as always. Although they were weary of me getting off my meds, they have been very empathetic to the withdrawal symptoms I’ve been feeling (including vertigo, headaches, irritability, anxiety, extremely shaky hands, and excessive mood swings). They are constantly checking on me to make sure I’m okay. My boyfriend, (yes, I have found a guy who makes my heart skip a beat every time I see his name on my phone 🙂 ) has also been amazing through this whole thing. He is so understanding and I could not ask for a better partner to go through this with! So, THANK YOU! Thank you to everyone who has gone out of their way to help me (you know who you are), especially my parents since, parenting is a thankless job, and it took me going through it to realize it.Take a minute sometime this week or next, or every week if you want, to thank the people who have helped you get to where you are and survive as long as you have. Let’s make parenting and helping others a thankFUL job, instead of a thankLESS one.

Love you Mom and Dad.

Love,

Me 🙂

Little Do You Know…

“Little do you know how I’m breaking while you fall asleep. Little do you know I’m still haunted by the memories. Little do you know I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece. Little do you know, I need a little more time.”

I came across this song on Pandora radio this week since I am not a fan of Christmas music, I’ve been listening to anything I can in order to get away from all of those tiring Christmas tunes. This song is called “Little Do You Know” by Alex and Sierra and I can really relate to parts of this song. I’ve honestly cried to this song quite a few times while it’s been on repeat this week.

To begin, it’s been a really super duper shitty week. I’ve been bullied by a co-worker at work all week, which has really taken its toll. On top of the co-worker bullying me, as I’m sure many of you can imagine and relate to, working retail at this time of year consists of many customers being bullies as well. Lastly, on top of all of the bullies, as I have mentioned before, this time of year is super tough for me. Frankly, I dislike holidays. Recently they have seemed to bring me nothing but pain.

Writing this, I feel guilty because I have SOOOO much to be thankful for, but depression tends to cloud my judgement when it comes to that. I have a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, clothes on my back, a family that loves me, and friends that support me, and anything I could ever ask for, but I still feel sad. And feeling this way is super destructive. I am sure other people have felt this way. You feel depressed, then you feel guilty for feeling depressed because there are so many people out there who are worse off than you and that makes you even more depressed because you feel like you do not deserve everything you have. (If no one has felt this way, that is totally fine. I’m happy if others have not suffered from this destructive cycle).

I still have yet to find a way to break this cycle, but I’m sure as hell working on it. All I do now is tell myself that despite all of the ways I am blessed, I am still hurting, and I am still depressed and material things cannot change that. Nothing can change that except me. And dammit if this process of accepting my shortcomings and helping myself deal with my depression isn’t the hardest process known to man. I may be only 21 years old, but if I can survive this, then I am convinced I can do anything.

I’m sorry this post has been so scatter brained. I’m too confused and sad to make a whole lot of sense right now. To anyone who reads this, thank you. And to anyone who reads this, who might be suffering from depression, please take away the fact that it’s OKAY to have downs like this. And it’s OKAY to be sad like this. And it’s OKAY to be confused, scatterbrained, and just crying yourself to sleep. It happens. TO ALL OF US. You will get through this, and tomorrow is a new day. The sun rises everyday in an attempt to bring us a refreshed sense of life and living. Take advantage of that. If that means you got out of bed for the first time in a week just to see the sunlight, that is a huge accomplishment, and it’s a step forward. Baby steps are what guide you to giant leaps. And you will get to making giant leaps. I have made giant leaps, and then had to fall back to only taking baby steps. That’s not failure, its still progress, no matter how big or small it may seem. Keep your head up, you’re beautiful inside and out.

Love,

Me

Thanksgiving Blues

Now, I know that technically Thanksgiving day is over, but I just got home from work and just got the time to sit down and write.

Thanksgiving is a tough time of year for me. It is going to sound very pathetic, but three out of the four thanksgivings the past four years, I have been broken up with within the month. Yes, I know, a break up is not something to really complain over, but regardless, it makes the holiday a tough one for me. I am one of the people who, when I love, I love with my whole heart. I do not know how to keep those feelings hidden, especially when I trust you. So, the past few thanksgivings I have been left feeling like there was a part of me missing which is tough, but obviously it is something that can be overcome.

I want to touch on the fact that Thanksgiving is a tough time for many people who have lost an important part of themselves or their family. When I say lost, I mean in the sense of they are no longer in your life, as well as the sense that they are no longer on this planet. If you are like me, which I feel bad for you if you are, you sometimes find it hard to show your thankfulness when you are struggling, or in a low place. Days like today are refreshing. Sometimes they are not without tears, but those tears do not take away from the fact that YOU ARE LOVED. YOU MATTER. And YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

If you had approached me four years ago and told me there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I would have laughed in your face and told you to leave me alone. I did not believe that I would ever feel happy again. That is your depression talking. My depression tells me that shit all the time. It is still telling me I’m not pretty, I’m not worth the time to get to know me, I’m never going to find the man for me, I’m never going to get into the graduate school I want to. I’m never going to have the career I dream to have because there will always be someone better. And in a way, there will always be someone who is better than you, but there will also always be someone who is not as good as you are. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, their good traits and their not so good traits, but that should not control how you feel about yourself. I have let my depression tell me I am not good enough for too damn long, and honestly I’m tired of it. I’m sorry. I’m getting off topic now. Basically, I want to be one of the people you can trust when I say, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just because you cannot see it now, does not mean it is not there. Let today be a reminder of how beautiful you are, and how many people are thankful for you. Be refreshed with a new sense of confidence knowing that there are countless people who you are thankful for you because, with even the smallest gesture, you have changed them for the better.

Love Always,
Me 🙂