Sooooo, it’s been over a year. How the hell is that possible? I feel like I was writing just the other day.
I’ve felt pulled to write for a while now. And I’ve gotten feedback that I should write again—so here i am. But it took me a while to get here. I had so much to “say”, but also, nothing to say all at the same time.
So fucking much has happened. This is NOT like that best friend you have where no matter how long it’s been, you pick right back up where you left off. It’s just not like that. There’s no correlation. No connection. No semblance of where I was the last time I wrote.
Well, that’s not true. There is. I’m still me. I still have depression. I still have anxiety. And I still suffer DAILY. Even on the good days, there’s signs and symptoms that I don’t ever anticipate not feeling.
The other day, someone asked me if I was still working my MLM business. I said, no, because I’m not. I’m using the products (because I believe in them whole heartedly), but I’m not actively promoting. So then, they asked me if I’m focusing on my yoga business. I said no, I don’t have a yoga business, because I don’t. (Side note—would love to start one, it’s on the mental dream board.) My response to the person was, “No, I’m just working on me.”
I’ve said those words before but never fully believed it. I meant it—they were earnestly written words, but they were more of an aspiration than cold hard truth. But this time? I fucking meant it. I have been working SO HARD on me. My physical body, my mental body, spiritual body, emotional body, literally every level—I’ve been working on. Not because anything within me was really broken, but after multiple losses, I was broken. And I was so tired of living in that mindset. Seeing no way out of that destructive darkness. Hating myself. Hating my body. Hating much of life.
The quote “If nothing changes, nothing changes” comes to mind. I was trying to find a semblance of balance and stability, but to do that, I needed to do something scary. Something that I wasn’t ready for. I needed to get fully off kilter: reset and realign.
And that’s what I did. I got my shit together medically (working with my doctors). I started deep diving into my belief systems. Into my practices (both physically and spiritually). Into finding my limits and pushing past them. Into my community and relying on them instead of myself to process through everything. On that same token, I did a deep dive into me and getting back to center—working through the shadows.
Do I have it all figured out? Hell no. Will I ever have it all figured out? Absolutely not. Am I working to mend the parts of me that we’re broken—not to make them disappear, quite the opposite—filling them with gold as a reminder of how unique my scars have made me? You bet your ass I am.
I truly think we’re all broken in one way or another. I don’t wish it on anyone, but none of us lives the highlight reel life all the time. I just hope that despite all the scars gained, that you know that you are JUST as valuable, if not more. And please don’t forget—even when you feel the opposite, you are so damn loved.
Always here for you. Sending peace, love, and light.
One thought on “Oof”
Beautifully written. You are light, my friend. And I always support you. I’m proud of you and blessed by you!!